I was once a girl on top. I had attitude and a knowledge that I was powerful and could change things. It was built into me as if it was an application the software came with. When I saw mean or unfair behavior, from anyone, I would fearlessly expose it. I became confused when the behavior that I had modeled when presented with the same unfairness wasn’t practiced. I was mortified. Why weren’t my values being reflected back to me in the behavior of the people I respected?
It was a profound feeling of worthlessness. I didn’t understand that others were fearful because I didn’t know what that fear felt like.
So I forged ahead with my fearless.
Until one day a boy told me I was not pretty.
It was a statement of fact that I was not being invited to reason against, so I didn’t. I reflected on all the times I was left suspended after a personal affront. I was left waiting for another human to expose it. I thought “Maybe this is why?” Now I was afraid.
I was not being invited to reason against, so I didn’t. Over time his statement became a part of me. A new organ that materialized between my senses and my understanding of myself.
This new organ metabolized everything I heard, saw, ate, smelled, loved, and distilled it down to
“I didn’t get this test right because I am not pretty.” “I didn’t get invited to this party because I am not pretty.” “I didn’t get into this college because I am not pretty.” “I didn’t get this job because..” “This response because….” “This love because….” I was not being invited to reason against, so I didn’t.
We are all alphas, in the beginning. This is how they tame us. They lump our worth into a quality. A grace, a charm, a sin. We are not warned when this will come and we aren’t prepared to wage against it. The real danger is not that they do it. It’s that we believe them.
That we are not invited to reason against, so we don’t. We are not taught that this is an option.
That the very statements they make about us are based on assumption. That we are put on this Earth to enlighten, to educate each other, to enrich beyond the senses. To invite each other to reason beyond our individual experiences.
That what we observe of each other isn’t fact, it’s an invitation.