Month: July 2011

I was having tea with my good friend Miriam in San Francisco the other day. She was just about to fly off to New York City for an intensive theater program after quitting her job as an accountant.  I was gearing up for another gig.  We were having one of those existential conversations that I seem to be having pretty regularly these days.  The kind of conversation that always circles the “am I headed in the right direction with my life?” pond.   I found myself admiring her bravery at leaving her steady, well-paying job for the thrill of the unknown and to deepen her artistic training.  I also found myself starting to feel…trapped?  I thought, no matter how badly I wanted to travel with my music, I simply couldn’t leave the job I have now for my own pursuits.  I felt the world wouldn’t have me in my current artistic state.  Miriam responded with her own apprehension about how the world would take her after she finished with her studies.  We discussed.  As we did so, Miriam and I found ourselves repeatedly mentioning a word that started to stand out after a while.  The word was “permission.”

This word had been creeping into my environs steadily and, after recognizing its potency, Miriam and I decided to give it the stage.  We exchanged meaningful quotes that have stuck with us through the years.  These words gradually assumed the frequency of mantras that we would regularly gravitate towards for one reason or another.  I seemed to do so during periods of doubt and self-evaluation.  These quotes are the friend one invites over to serve as a buffer during tea or luncheon with the neighbors.  A reminder that you have all that you need already.  All you need, when the neighbor starts questioning your lawn, gardening or parenting skills, is to look over to your friend and watch her nod confidently into your eyes.  “You got it, sister.”

You know when you are in the middle of a conversation and you think of something murderously witty that could either send everyone into fits of laughter OR damn you for all eternity from that social circle?  And for a moment you hesitate.  You think “Should I say that?  Would they think me crude or unsophisticated?  Or WORSE! Would they think me a racist or that I have a limited view of a woman’s role in society?”  That entire conversation takes all of a 10th of a second.  But it decides for you.  It becomes your mother.  You need to ask it permission to say or do something that seemed to want to come naturally at first.  Permission.  That nod.  “Go for it sister!”  If you don’t have any of these quotes in your arsenal, or any form of encouragement from your past that you keep for just such occasions,  where does this internal nod of confidence come from?

Please allow me to share with you some thoughts that were exchanged between my dear friend and me at our tea-date:

To paraphrase a 70+ year old lady figure-drawing model from a short documentary film I recently saw-“The one thing we give ourselves in life is permission.”

What?  Of bloody course.  The one thing we do that separates our ability to act from our self sabotaging, self-preserving instinct to play dead is giving ourselves the “Go for it!”  I don’t know when I decided that I needed to look outside of myself for that nod.  It probably happened during a particularly traumatic moment on the playground in elementary school or in the lunch hall in high school.

Here is one that Miriam mentioned that I had never heard:  “There is a vitality, a life-force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.” -Martha Graham

How beautiful is this one?  To take the responsibility of  an action’s or creation’s impact SO blatantly off of the creator or “actor” is so blissfully liberating.  Empowerment is thick in these words and I believe empowerment is what one needs to take action.

And lastly, the famous speech from Nelson Mandela.  This one Miriam and I were both very familiar with: ‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us…Your playing small does not serve the world… And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”- Nelson Mandela

There’s that word again.

I want to do that.  I want to help inspire people to do their greatest.  Be their most generous, contributing, beautiful, artistic, intelligent selves whenever they have the chance.  I want to inspire people as MY mentors and heros inspire me.  I truly believe that by inspiring each other to do and be our best even in the face of failure, that we can not only serve the world, we can save it.  I also believe there is no other way.

So, if it will help you, please take the quotes with you wherever you go.  They may help you give yourself the permission you need to do what you love (as Miriam has) and thus inspire someone else (as Miriam has inspired me) to do what they love.

So, when the time is right and I have my act together, I will hit the road and sing my heart out for anyone who will listen.

Ryan and I finally did what we had been talking about doing since we first started making music together three (I think) years ago. This past Saturday evening we did an entire 45 minute set of completely electronic music. According to plan, we billed ourselves as Chance’s End and suited up for the evening. We were sandwiched into a lineup between a soul/pop groove band and a rap-group-thingy with a back-up pot smoker. There were faeries flitting about with trays of vodka shots, selling spankings with a wiggle and a smile. There were fire dancers and a fortune teller. The crowd was costumed in pirate gear and there were grilled cheese sandwiches being enjoyed by many a drunken sailor. Did I mention this was a Burning Man associated venue?

Did I need to?

In order to fill the 45 minute set, Ryan worked diligently to program what he called “no-vox/no-lin” tracks (or, tracks minus the vocal and violin tracks) that can be played and manipulated with live performers (us). And I spent the last two weeks making sure our 4 new tracks were performance ready(bring it on pro-theater training!).

Up until that evening I had been performing mainly acoustic, singer-songwriter material of my own construction where I hide neatly behind a guitar that easily covers two thirds of my visible form on stage. The most I’ll do for those gigs is wear a nice shirt, jeans and put on a little bit of makeup. Or not. I’m singing and smiling and playing the shit out of my instrument; what’s to look at?

But there was no hiding behind anything during this gig. Indeed, besides singing, I was at a loss as to how to be entertaining after hanging up my guitar. Also to be acknowledged is a heightened sense of drama built into the electronic music that we produce. So, aside from dressing up like an Elvin princess from Lord of the Rings and waxing enigmatic a-la Enya, what do I wear and how do I present this stuff? Ryan and I had worked pretty intensely for a couple of years on the actual music. But hadn’t really discussed the presentation of our work.

Oops.

No matter! This is all part of the fun. I consider myself a bit of a social anthropologist and this presents a uniquely fascinating experiment for me. I get to choose a method of delivery and see what people respond to.

For the debut performance, I chose a sweet number suggesting 40’s glam. Bright red lips, high waisted, blue sailor pants and an off the shoulder fitted blouse. It was an unusually bold move for me. I was beginning to suspect that my inner feminist (whom I had previously drugged into a stupor with a couple shots of whiskey) would start to stir and protest. I was slightly scared that I could chicken out and slip back into my jeans for fear of her berating me and calling me a harlot. But I have a sneaking suspicion that she secretly enjoyed the getup….Can I say I felt particularly slinky that evening? Especially after the main pirate behind the bar handed me a tall-red plastic cup full of the “special” fruit punch. Yum.

This seemingly benign getup allowed me to adapt a slightly more diva-esque persona than I would have in my denim and boots. I have to admit, it felt quite lovely to be so blatantly feminine in front of a crowd. This feeling inhabited my performance and the crowd seemed to appreciate it. The ONLY thing that would have made the outfit better were if I had had my hair done by THESE LADIES. They specialize in retro styling and managed to tame MY hair into a sexy 40’s up-do at one point in time. I kind of want to carry them around in my pocket with me…. But, even without those lovely ladies coiffing my fro; I felt powerful enough to perform.

This new-found ultra-femme confidence also gave me permission to really explore a deeper connection to the music, lyrics and my on-stage partner. The songs were a pleasure to express and I had one of those performances where time passes in the blink. I wanted it to continue into the evening until I collapsed with exhaustion. I can’t wait until the next chance I had to sing those songs again.

Now, to continue testing this hypothesis: What to wear to the NEXT Chance’s End sha-bang? The music is hot. I should be too.

Chance’s End is joining the lineup of the 7 Sirens Cove “Carnival In Never Neverland” fundraiser this Saturday July 9th in San Francisco. We’ll be premiering not one, but two new tracks featuring vocalist Emily Zisman!

The event is located at The Hive, a new outdoor venue whose entrance on Treat Ave, between 20th and 21st Street. Doors open at 4pm, and admission is only $5 until the party ends at 2am! Come early, because there are some great performers during the day, and Chance’s End will go on promptly at 8pm!

For more information, go to the event’s Facebook page.